Issue 4

Mission: Impossible

Star Wars Prequel Exclusive!

New Search Engine "Whoopie!" Introduced

Zit Activists Move To Ban Oxecution

Time Traveler Visits Present Day

Beach Boys Offer Solution To Global Economic Crisis

Latest Medical Study Findings

Asleep At The Wheel

Don't Even Think About It

Senioritis Setting In

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Star Wars Prequel Exclusive!

By Sleeping Disorder
Everyone from movie buffs to Ukrainian midgets is talking about the new Star Wars movie, and the gossip is hot! Set to appear sometime within the next year to two years, this "prequel" has more rumors attached to it than Square Root Canal's mom, and it seems like every television network in America has its own version of what the new movie will be like. Exclusively in The Underground Online, here is the breakdown of all the TV networks' speculations about the film.

BET- Lando Kalrissien will be played by Shaft's Richard Roundtree in Lando: One Bad Mutha.

ABC- Home Improvement's Zachary Ty Bryan will play the young Skywalker in a touching film about growing up in the 90's, as well as interstellar warfare.

Bravo- The movie will be a grand scale musical entitled Force!

Lifetime- After being fired by the male dominated Rebellion, Princess Leia and her female friends start their own business in Aledaraan Women, Aldearaan Living.

Cartoon Network - The new half hour cartoon will feature Robin Williams as the voice of Chewbacca in Chewie Kablooie!

HBO- An erotic thriller entitled Seductions of the Force.

Playboy - Late Jedi Nights.

E!- Steven Seagal will star as a one man Rebellion army taking out Empire trash in Extreme Aggression.

WB- Luke Skywalker will be played by portrayed as a pint sized, jive talking, street smart minority child that gets into non-stop mischief, starring Sinbad as Anakin Skywalker.

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