Issue 10

Low Test Scores
Blamed On
El Niņo
Fluffy The Bunny
Newman Sells
Derik Falky: Alive
And Well In 1998
Dionne Warwick
Knows All
Jurassic Calculus
Kesus To Order
Mail-Order Bride
Jukebox Malaise

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Issue 10

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Jurassic Calculus

By Newman
Normally, first hour calculus is a sanctuary of knowledge. A repository of wisdom. A menage-a-trois, if you will. But last Tuesday, this tranquil scene of academia was broken, as prehistoric animals roamed room 223 for the first time in 65 million years.

For those of you not familiar with AP calculus, it is a hard class1, taught by Mr. Waala and Mr. Fiet2, containing some of the smartest students in the school3,4.

During a pause in class, Mr. Fiet commented that he saw the movie "Jurassic Park" the day before. Suddenly, a piercing squeal filled the air, and Mike O'Connell burst from the foliage of the chairs, "doing the raptor."

If you've ever seen Jurassic Park, and unless you've been in jail or up in the Mir space station, you have, then you know what I'm talking about. Mike pranced about the room for about 15 seconds, waving his menacing claws in the air and making some sort of dinosaur mating call before sitting back down in his seat to uncontrollable laughter from the rest of the class. Mr. Fiet simply commented, "All I can say is that he scares the hell out of me." Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare my tasergun and electrified safety cage for calculus tomorrow.

1Newman. "Special Report: Calculus Is Hard." The Underground, Issue 2.
2The Late Newman. "New Foreign Language Discovered." The Underground, Issue 6.
3Newman. "O'Connell Signed By Chicago Bears." The Underground, Issue 3.
4The Ghost of Newman. "Mike Trinastic Forms Pythagorean Number Cult." The Underground, Issue 9.

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