Issue 10

Low Test Scores
Blamed On
El Niņo
Fluffy The Bunny
Newman Sells
Derik Falky: Alive
And Well In 1998
Dionne Warwick
Knows All
Jurassic Calculus
Kesus To Order
Mail-Order Bride
Jukebox Malaise

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Issue 10

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Fluffy The Bunny

By M. F. Luder
Fluffy the bunny is sitting in his spacious cage, happily munching on carrots, when all of a sudden, he is dragged from his cage and has hairspray shot into his eyes for hours on end. Environmentalists have been complaining about these obscene testing practices for years, and now it's my turn to protect animals. There is only one feasible answer that both assay America's need for newer, better hairstyling products and protect cute, helpless animals: use the elderly instead.

Animals are cute, the elderly are not. Animals are tasty, the elderly are not. Animals can be used for sex, the elderly can too. It is clear to anyone who is willing to ponder the situation, that animals are more useful to society than the elderly. The elderly have already given their youth and vitality to society. Now that they have nothing left to give, we must take what we want.

If people ever hope to enjoy the benefits of modern hair care products, hair care companies need to test their products for deadliness. If those companies use animals for testing, we would lose pets, food, cheap labor and sex. If those companies use the elderly, we lose fossil fuels. Although fossil fuels are nice, I'd rather have safe, quality hair spray than electricity; I'd also rather "give my dog a bone" than have gramps waste my inheritance in a rest home. Let's let hair care companies become hare care companies; let Fluffy the bunny romp and frolic for the rest of his life. Kill the elderly; be kind to animals.

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