Issue 10

Low Test Scores
Blamed On
El Niņo
Fluffy The Bunny
Newman Sells
Derik Falky: Alive
And Well In 1998
Dionne Warwick
Knows All
Jurassic Calculus
Kesus To Order
Mail-Order Bride
Jukebox Malaise

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Issue 10

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Low Test Scores Blamed On El Niņo

By Newman
Recently, teachers and administrators have been at a loss to explain the rapid decline in students' test scores. Some attribute it to senioritis, others say it's the product of the failing American family. Researchers at Marquette University, however, have pinpointed the true cause of this phenomenon: El Niņo.

Yes, El Niņo, the unusual warming of the Pacific Ocean, responsible for flooding in California and our unusually warm winter, was determined to be the cause of low test scores in many classes of Tosa East High School. El Niņo has already claimed scores of victims in storms such as last week's flooding and mudslides in California, and massive ice storms in Maine and Quebec which left millions without power for several days. Now, El Niņo is responsible for the failing grades of dozens of students here in our own backyard.

"It's El Niņo's fault that I didn't do my English homework last night!" said apathetic Tosa teen Adam Powell. "That's also why I'm going to put off my psychology homework and play Parappa the Rapper on Playstation now." "Boy am I glad to know that it's not my fault that I got a 65 on that last Advanced Physics quiz," said senior Katina Zervas.

Researchers also attributed the destructive power of El Niņo to the Packers' Super Bowl loss, that "Da, da, da" song, and John Roberts' inability to get a date.

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