Issue 10

Low Test Scores
Blamed On
El Niņo
Fluffy The Bunny
Newman Sells
Derik Falky: Alive
And Well In 1998
Dionne Warwick
Knows All
Jurassic Calculus
Kesus To Order
Mail-Order Bride
Jukebox Malaise

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Issue 10

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Dionne Warwick Knows All

By The Regulator
Officials confirmed Monday that Dionne Warwick and her troupe of zany "psychics" are indeed for real. Not at all like those other psychic networks, Dionne's offers phone conversations with people actually gifted with psychic ability, and for competitive prices, no less. Undercover telephone-fraud agents called up and were immediately connected to a friendly, polite psychic who answered all of their questions. Not only were their questions about the future answered (in cryptic riddles), but private information about their sex lives and financial careers was disclosed, albeit in vague, ominous statements.

I had just finished bangin' Newman's mom when I heard about this amazing revelation. Previously, I had skeptically thought that all psychic phenomena were balderdash. O how wrong was I now? I tossed Scott 'The Playa' Schneider the 25 cents I owed for Newman's mom and rushed to the nearest telephone. BIP BEEP BOOP, I dialed. RING RING. "Hello? Psychic Network. Can I help you?" My palms were sweaty with trepidation. "Um, yes. Could I please speak to a psychic? You know, a real one?"

Well, I got connected up and paid my exorbitant fee, and asked away. "Where will I be in ten years? Will my current relationship work out? What's the best career move for me right now? Why can't Mr. Streff stop talking?" All these questions, in good time, were answered to me. I only wish I could share the answers with you, my friends, to prove their validity, but, well, they're personal. Except for the Mr. Streff thing. But trust me, you don't wanna know about that. So take my advice, and give good ol' Dionne a ring.

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