Issue 10

Low Test Scores
Blamed On
El Niņo
Fluffy The Bunny
Newman Sells
Derik Falky: Alive
And Well In 1998
Dionne Warwick
Knows All
Jurassic Calculus
Kesus To Order
Mail-Order Bride
Jukebox Malaise

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Issue 10

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Newman Sells Out

By Newman
Ladies and gentlemen, it is truly a sad day in the field of high school underground journalism. Newman, Chief Editor of The Underground, steadfast protector of the First Amendment, and all-around hunka hunka burnin' love, has sold out.

Yes, "The Apparition formerly known as The Ghost of Newman" (or just plain Newman) didn't let the forces of Death, Mr. Hays, or even the evil Bill Gates stop him, but now he has succumbed to the powers that be. He has written an article for the Cardinal News.

Why has Newman turned to the dark side? Is it because, as he claims, the article, at 1300 words, was simply too long? Was it because, as Newman also claims, the story had actual journalistic merit and therefore had no place in The Underground? Was it because he was tortured by Luke Wagner and his gang of distracted cannibals? Or is it all just part of Mrs. Barrington's nefarious plan for world domination?

No matter what the reason, panic has swept the countryside. "He's even got an infographic in there? Oh dear God," said Underground conspiracy theorist M. F. Luder. One thing is clear however; Newman has lost all his integrity. Of course, anyone who reads The Underground knows that he didn't have much to begin with, but still...

The article, which discusses the value (or lack thereof) of five talk shows, is set to appear in the next issue of the Cardinal News. Rumors that The Regulator writes a column for the Cardinal News could not be confirmed at press time.

Read Newman's article by clicking here.

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