Issue 6

Newman Is Dead
God Version
2.0 Unveiled
New Foreign
The Insidious
Santa Claus
Is Coming
The Funk
Flickers (A Poem)
Bill Hicks Is
The Man

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New Foreign Language Discovered

By the late Newman
Researchers at the University of Chicago shocked the scholarly community Friday with the announcement that they've discovered a new language. The new form of communication, tentatively named "Fietish," has apparently existed for dozens of years but was not completely translated until recently, due to its archaic and confusing nature. Most notably used in rooms 214 and 223 of Wauwatosa East High School by Mr. Art Fiet, this language consists of two parts, verbal and written.

"This is the biggest bugaboo we have."
-Art Fiet, speaking in his native Fietish.
There are two types of verbal communication in Fietish. The first apparently involves a long, drawn out story with no real point, followed by mild laughter by the speaker and no reaction by the listeners. The second verbal form of communication involves a combination of talking and writing. The speaker gives a long, lecture type speech while writing the Fietish symbols on a piece of paper or on a chalkboard, and the listeners must remain silent with dumbfounded expressions on their faces.

The written portion is even tougher to decode. Some strange symbols, like a backwards E and three dots in a shape of a triangle are among the few legible symbols; the rest of the written language appears to be unintelligible scribbles. The code was cracked with the help of Mr. Waala, who spends hours each day attempting to translate the Fietish scrawlings from first hour Calculus into meaningful ideas. It's hard work, but as Waala once said, "Don't have too much fun, this is school."

Unfortunately, despite the progress made with the Fietish language, the researchers announced that they were unable to decipher what the hell John Madden says.

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