Santa Claus Is Coming
By M. F. Luder
I know this may shock you, but I have several reliable sources that say that Christmas is coming! I was urged not to let the proverbial cat out of the bag, but I felt that the readers of The Underground have a right to know.
My sources have suggested December 25th as the day Christmas will go down; however it could happen as early as the 18th or as late as the 30th. Many of you may doubt that Christmas is actually coming, "It's just Underground propaganda," you say, but there is proof.
Who was that fat man in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? It was Kris Kringle, a man The United States Postal Service recognizes as Santa Claus! I don't know about you, but I don't plan on messing with the Post Office. Also, vendors of all varieties of evergreen trees have reported increases in sales all over the country. There have been reports of jolly fat men going to malls and having children sit on their laps. Finally, to add insult to injury there has also been an influx of crappy cartoons that are preempting my favorite prime-time viewing: Touched by an Angel and Soul Man.
Speaking of trite religious crap, there are also rumors around that X-mas, as it is secretly known, is not a commercial extravaganza. Instead, some people say that it is a religious event. Supposedly they are celebrating the birth of some important biblical figure, unfortunately I couldn't get a name. It was obviously just a shamelessly created conspiracy to hide the true intentions of Christmas anyway.
We here at The Underground simply lack the ability to give this story enough attention, so we can only hope that other, more news based papers will be able to lavish the time and space that this story truly deserves.
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