Issue 6

Newman Is Dead
God Version
2.0 Unveiled
New Foreign
The Insidious
Santa Claus
Is Coming
The Funk
Flickers (A Poem)
Bill Hicks Is
The Man

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Issue 6

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The Insidious Manatee

By The Regulator
Let me paint you a picture.

Cute little Billy, out doing innocent little boy things, spies his favorite fishing spot. He grabs his makeshift fishing pole and sits down, dangling his little feet in the cool water. Several yards away, a sinister, hideously deformed snout raises an inch above the water, beady red eyes sizing up it's next victim. It slowly, silently drifts, unseen, ever closer to unsuspecting little Billy. Suddenly, it strikes! Little Billy doesn't even have time to scream before he is dragged off to a horrible watery grave.

Scenes like this are all too common these days, what with an ever larger population of the government-protected sea demons infesting our bodies of water. I believe that at this point in time, it is our duty as proud Americans to make use of our hard-earned democracy to question our government's policy of protecting these abominations. Why protect such terrible beings, evil to their very core? They're ugly as sin! Not to mention aggressive. They're so aggressive in fact, that they often try to attack moving motorboats in order to consume the people on board! Thanks to modern defensive motor technology however, most are easily repulsed. Nevertheless, manatees are a threat not to be ignored.

The majority of the population of the U.S. will most likely not see this article, and may even oppose us on this issue. If any of you, my devoted readers, encounter any of these ignorant monster-huggers, grab the nearest blunt object you can find and repeatedly beat them with it. As much as I hate to promote such outright violence, I believe that it is necessary to promote the greater good, and will, in the end, serve to save lives.

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