Issue 6

Newman Is Dead
God Version
2.0 Unveiled
New Foreign
The Insidious
Santa Claus
Is Coming
The Funk
Flickers (A Poem)
Bill Hicks Is
The Man

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Issue 6

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Newman Is Dead

Rumors that had been circulating for minutes were finally confirmed Saturday, when the Milwaukee County coroner's office announced that Newman, Chief Editor of The Underground, is dead. "We have not been able to determine the cause of death, but we speculate that Newman may have died from a poison chocolate sprinkled donut," said a doctor who treated Newman.

Members of the Cardinal News were immediately under suspicion for Newman's death, but the FBI was quick to stress that they had not named any particular suspects. "Anyone could have given him the poisoned donut," said Tosa East principal John T. Hays. "We can't rule out anyone at this time." Hays then whispered to a friend, "[Cardinal News In-depth Editor] Jeff Pertl did it. You didn't hear that from me."

Looking back on past events, signs of Newman's demise now seem obvious. If you play part of The Underground's theme song, "The Underground Theme" by Oasis backwards, a voice saying 'Newman is dead' can be heard. Also, on the cover of the Beatles' album "Abbey Road," Newman is barefoot and his right foot is forward, while the other Beatles left feet are forward. These examples can clearly be seen below.

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The portion of The Underground Theme by Oasis that contains the phrase 'Newman is dead' when played backwards.

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Newman on the cover of Abbey Road.

The tragic death of Newman surely means an end to The Underground, although as a sobbing Regulator was quick to point out, "The spirit of The Underground lives on." Memorial services will be held today at 3:15 in the Secret Toilet Room.

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