Issue 3

Signed By
Chicago Bears
Brett Favre Is
In My Class!
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O'Connell Signed By Chicago Bears

By Newman
The Chicago Bears stunned the NFL yesterday by signing Tosa East wide receiver Mike O'Connell to a 2 year contract reportedly worth $2.6 million. Dave Wannstadt, coach of the Bears, made the announcement, saying that O'Connell would provide a lethal threat opposite Curtis Conway in the Bears offense, and that this was the brightest day in the history of the franchise since they drafted Heisman Trophy winning runningback Rashaan Salaam in 1995. Salaam has since torn ligaments in his knee and broken his leg.

Immediately, Wannstadt was faced with brutal opposition from the Chicago media on why he signed the third-string Tosa East receiver to a multi-million dollar contract. After being asked "You signed who!? What the hell were you thinking?", Wannstadt replied, "We were not the only ones pursuing this blue-chip player. My staff informed me that the Packers were heavily scouting him also." Wannstadt was then informed that the team scouting O'Connell was the Cudahy Packers, not the Green Bay Packers. However, he continued his praise of O'Connell, saying that his 5.2 second 40 yard dash time will easily allow him to outrun some of the NFL's top defensive stars. When further informed that Deion Sanders runs the 40 in about 4.2 seconds, Wannstadt said, "Well, Gilbert Brown is one of the NFL's top defensive players, and I'm sure Mike can outrun him. No more questions."

Other reactions from around the NFL have been mixed. ESPN analyst and former Packers receiver Sterling Sharpe immediately proclaimed O'Connell to be, "The best receiver to come into the league since me." NBC commentator and former really bad Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Sam Wyche was eager to see O'Connell score a touchdown and laugh hysterically as he unveils his new touchdown dance.

Others, however, were not so optimistic. Upon hearing the news of O'Connell's signing, Bears linebacker Bryan Cox promptly smashed his helmet through a wall and trashed the Bears' post-practice buffet in the locker room. FOX NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw also critized the move, saying, "Dave Wannstadt has gone completely insane. O'Connell will probably run from the stadium in fear the first time he sees Junior Seau. I also have reports that Wannstadt is trying to coax former Super Bowl MVP Joe Namath out of retirement."

O'Connell was unavailable for comment, as he and backup quarterback Rick Mirer were busy listening to Wham! albums.

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