Issue 9

Big Willie Style
Mike Trinastic
Number Cult
Donut Tetrafluoride
Love Is In The Air
Drugs Are Cool
3 Million
Commit Suicide
Citizens Of
Zimbabwe Don't
A Poem By
Jason Berta

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Issue 9

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Mike Trinastic Forms Pythagorean Number Cult

By the Ghost of Newman
Michael "Mike" Trinastic, Tosa East senior, Cardinal News editor, and all around smart guy, surprised school officials yesterday when he announced that he would not attend college, and instead would form a Pythagorean-like cult based on worshipping numbers, and the relationship between numbers and nature.

Pythagoras, who lived in the sixth century B.C., was a mathematician who discovered the Pythagorean Theorem and formed a Brotherhood which was dedicated to finding the relationship between mathematical entities and the universe. Similarly, Mike's cult will attempt to link mind, math, and matter through a new branch of math named Trinasticology. Trinasticology, created by Mike in his spare time during advanced physics, seeks to gain greater knowledge of math and the sciences by increased use of complexity, or chaos theory.

John Roberts, Tosa East senior and noted chaotician, whose IRP on chaos and subsequent bribing of Mr. Streff got him an A/A+, was at first rumored to be among those joining the cult. However, John announced that he would honor chaos/complexity in nature his own way: by setting himself on fire in order to return his component atoms and molecules to their most random state.

At the press conference, Trinastic, dressed in a Superman-like costume and cape with the mathematical constant pi instead of the big "S," held up a large picture of a right triangle, said, "All things are numbers," and then walked off the stage. Tosa East math teacher Art Fiet then announced that he would be joining the cult as well, in order to better honor the memory of Carl Friedrich Gauss.

Jeff Pertl openly wept when informed of the announcement.

Disclaimer: That little bit about Mr. Streff accepting a bribe from John is false by the way. 'Craiggers' has shown to be impervious to all bribe offers so far. He does, however, like to be scratched behind the ears.

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