Issue 9

Big Willie Style
Mike Trinastic
Number Cult
Donut Tetrafluoride
Love Is In The Air
Drugs Are Cool
3 Million
Commit Suicide
Citizens Of
Zimbabwe Don't
A Poem By
Jason Berta

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Issue 9

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Donut Tetrafluoride

By M. F. Luder
Now you didn't hear this from me, I obviously don't go around slandering people, but I don't want the Man to give you the wrong idea; Bill Gates is "back in the saddle," if you know what I mean. If you don't, then you should probably read this article.

I told you months ago of Bill Gates and his devilish donut dominance doctrine, but did you do anything, like say... kill Gates? No! Not even a broken leg! Why not? Because you didn't believe me; you thought I was full of it. Well I am, but I got this one right.

Recently, the Canadian government has been working on a new type of molecule called donut tetrafluoride. It was their plan to take the standard donut molecule, and add four fluoride molecules to it. If successful, Canadians would no longer be forced to brush their teeth twice a week; they would just have to eat a donut when they wake up and go to bed.

Some dentists theorize that the average amount of teeth a Canadian adult has would triple, to twelve. He says, "Since dey eat so derned many donuts, eh, dey'll 'ave da best teeth in da world, ja." Since Gates lacks the fluoride technology, it was vital for this project to fail if his donut dominance was to succeed. A lab making xenon tetrafluoride, the precursor to the donut variety, was "conveniently" blown up yesterday, with all of the donut research being destroyed in the blast. Many souls ceased to be, well over two score. All Canadian flags will be at half mast until Friday for the jelly donuts.

I say that Gates is to be stopped. Don't let him conquer Canada and ruin your oral hygiene. Down with Gates, down with Donutsoft, down with Hanson. Whoops, wrong article; they are some hot chicks though, even though they can't sing.

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