Issue 9

Big Willie Style
Mike Trinastic
Number Cult
Donut Tetrafluoride
Love Is In The Air
Drugs Are Cool
3 Million
Commit Suicide
Citizens Of
Zimbabwe Don't
A Poem By
Jason Berta

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Issue 9

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Drugs Are Cool

By The Regulator
Contrary to the traditional, adamant position of school and government officials, drugs have recently been found to be, in fact, cool. Rumors to this effect have been circulating lately, but it was not until a comprehensive study of high school students, the authorities on coolness, was completed that it was confirmed. Not only were drugs found to be cool in their own right, but it became apparent that one can become cool by taking them, a procedure known to inside sources as "doing them."

Why are these sometimes shady, usually illegal substances cool? Two reasons: first, they are sometimes shady, usually illegal. Second, they all offer some sort of exhilarating feeling, known to insiders as a "high." This "high" leads most often to loss of coherent thought, loss of body control, the performing of activities otherwise thought better of, and hallucinations. Cool!

One particularly cool high school student, who wishes to remain unnamed, stated, "Dude, man, teachers are, like, all [messed] up. They don't know, man. They're totally [very] stupid. Drugs are, like, no big deal. What the [heck]?" He then ceased responding and blankly stared at the wall, humming and rhythmically shifting his head back and forth. No other information was obtained. Other students all seem to be of the opinion that drugs help them relax after a hard day of studying, writing papers, and volunteering down at the homeless shelter. They claim that drugs definitely add to their coolness rating, and often help them to get lots and lots of [female genitalia].

I don't know about you, but in view of these facts, drugs sure sound good to me! Anyone know where I can get some?

Disclaimer: The Underground and The Regulator do not condone drug use in any form except by prescription. If you do drugs because of this article, you are dumb. Any attempts to prosecute any parties involved in the writing/printing of this article will be ridiculed profusely.

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