Issue 9

Big Willie Style
Mike Trinastic
Number Cult
Donut Tetrafluoride
Love Is In The Air
Drugs Are Cool
3 Million
Commit Suicide
Citizens Of
Zimbabwe Don't
A Poem By
Jason Berta

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Issue 9

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Big Willie Style

By the Ghost of Newman
President Bill Clinton was hit by the biggest scandal he's faced in hours last week, as charges were flying that he had an affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The President shrugged off possible threats of impeachment though, saying, "Oh you guys have been saying that since '93, it's nothing new."

For Clinton, the horniest president since John F. Kennedy, these allegations come at an especially bad time, as he is already fending off allegations of sexually harassing Paula Jones. Here at The Underground, we're always quick to pounce on any possible sex-related current event (see Marv Albert: Reality Bites, Issue 1), and we've dubbed this scandal "Playagate '98."

Even though former French president François Mitterrand even fathered at least one child with a series of mistresses during his 14 year span as president, republican leaders were quick to chastise President Clinton for having a libido. "I mean he had sex for God's sake!" exclaimed Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. "American presidents should not be having sex! I bet Ronald and Nancy Reagan didn't do it once in their eight years in the White House! It's about time we kicked the bum out of there and replaced him with a more chaste, sex-free president, like Bob Dole or Dan Quayle. Hell, I bet Quayle's still a virgin!"

Dole made only one statement. "If the American people would have elected Bob Dole president, none of this would have happened. Bob Dole would have signed a bill prohibiting sex in the United States of America. If Bob Dole can't get any, no one can!"

President Clinton could not be reached for comment, as he was busy making passes at Chelsea's Stanford classmates.

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