3 Million Wisconsinites Commit Suicide
By the Ghost of Newman
A minor tragedy unfolded last Sunday, when approximately 3 million residents of the state of Wisconsin took their own lives, driven to killing themselves by the loss of the Green Bay Packers to the Denver Broncos in Super Bowl XXXII.
A concerned Brett Favre, who was worried that the loss of so many Packers fans would drive down his endorsement money, probably saved the lives of another thousand people when he appeared on television, coaxing jumpers off of buildings and bridges. However, countless millions were already lost when a distraught Mike Holmgren, being interviewed on the Frito-Lay/Gillette/Prudential/Budweiser Super Bowl Postgame Show, said, "Our glorious Team has lost. There is no hope left. I have let down myself, my team and the citizens of Green Bay. I do not deserve to live." Mike was then wrestled to the ground by Phil Simms as he pulled a gun from his coat and raised it to his head. Shortly after that, almost the entire population of Green Bay (nearly 100,000) took their own lives.
Despite the loss of three-fifths of the population of their state, many Wisconsinites remained positive. "Will I stay a Packers fan? Of course! Even though they lost, they're still champions as far as I'm concerned," said one loyal fan, as she dragged corpses to a nearby pickup truck. Most of the remaining populous also said that they would stick with the team, as there's really nothing else to do around Green Bay.
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