Issue 3

Local Homeless Person Sells Out, Gets Job

Bertorello Sightings On The Rise

"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid
For President In 2000

Cannibals Riot At Body Shop

Pirate Activists Speak Out

Domes Commissioner Honored

Love That Beeshu!

Where The Hell Is Club K-Swiss?

Schoolrats (Uncensored)

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Red Arrow Re-Count

By Jack Straw
Last week, conspiracy rocked Tosa East as the official Homecoming song was voted upon in the school cafeteria. Despite the overwhelming number of votes in favor of the Michael Jackson classic "Do You Remember the Time", Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" miraculously came out on top. Coincidence? I think not.

Upon hearing of Gabriel's victory, Michael Jackson supporter Scott Krumsee was outraged. "I demand a re-count!" he exclaimed. Unfortunately, there was no count in the first place, so a re-count would be impossible. Sara Wick, who led the campaign for Gabriel, was too busy piling on make-up and was unavailable for comment.

This stunning controversy comes just days after the original vote, which was tainted as well. When the original vote took place, the Red Arrow authorities claimed it to be a tie, despite a landslide victory in favor of Jackson's epic. They announced that there would be a re-vote the next week, but Jackson supporters knew victory would not be theirs. No matter how many votes were turned in, the Red Arrow club would claim a victory for Gabriel.

After voters turned in their ballots, the votes were counted behind closed doors to ensure victory for Gabriel. It was announced that even though Gabriel had won, both songs would be played at the Homecoming dance. When asked if this was a bittersweet victory for the Jackson supporters, Krumsee stated "There is no compromise when it comes to the King of Pop! I'm outraged!". If you'd like to do your part in showing support for Jackson, please wear one white glove to the dance. We'd appreciate it.

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