Issue 3

Local Homeless Person Sells Out, Gets Job

Bertorello Sightings On The Rise

"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid
For President In 2000

Cannibals Riot At Body Shop

Pirate Activists Speak Out

Domes Commissioner Honored

Love That Beeshu!

Where The Hell Is Club K-Swiss?

Schoolrats (Uncensored)

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Schoolrats:  Do They Have A Home? (Uncensored)

Newman's Note:
This article appeared in its "censored" form in Issue 2.

By Jack Straw
The Tosa East Learning Center has always been a good place to do some homework during study hall or sit in when you're done with lunch, but recently some students have taken their love of the L.C. a little too far. "Schoolrats", also referred to as "Eastrats", have become a major concern recently. If you don't know who I'm talking about, simply come to Tosa East at around 6:00 p.m. You're sure to find a handful of schoolrats, either making out with the same sex, or playing Dungeons & Dragons. The female schoolrats generally have slight facial hair, while the males usually have hair past their shoulders and are known to dress up like The Crow every once and awhile. A prime example of a schoolrat was Brian Eisold, who graduated last year. Yes, you may be surprised to see so many students at school until the wee hours of the night, but maybe these dorks don't have a home.

When asked about the schoolrats, the administration was unavailable for comment, however a faculty member, who wishes to remain anonymous, said "Frankly, I don't understand why kids would actually want to stay at school. I mean, it's one thing if you're there for a club or sport, but most of these geeks are here by choice. Go home, schoolrats!". Please help us in the anti-schoolrat movement. If you see a schoolrat, yell "Go home kid! What the hell are you doing?! It's 6:00 for Chrissake!" or something to that effect. Together, we can win this thing and keep the Learning Center a loser-free zone.

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