"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid For President In 2000
By Underground Writer Davey Jones
In a press conference last Saturday, Los Angeles native "Happy Drinking Bird" made a strong bid as presidential candidate in the year 2000.
"The citizens of the United States have been neglected for far too long. As president I will make sure that everyone has a job, a place to sleep, a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot, and a cup of water that is always full so that everyone can drink forever," said Mr. Bird between sips.
|Happy Drinking Bird talks to members of the press.|
When asked if he had any comments on the recent Sudan and Afghanistan bombings he responded very heatedly: "Bill can't take credit for that! His advisors deserve the credit! They were the ones who told him where the [darn] bases were! Any block head would have given the order to drop the bomb on them!" He soon regained his composure after a few sips.
Mr. Bird had a few words for the American people regarding the recent impeachment proceedings: "Bill has made a mockery of our democracy! A president needs to not only have a good stance on issues but also needs to be a role model for today's youth."
The Democratic Party is tearing apart Mr. Bird's attempt at the presidential office, however, saying that he is a poor role model as well. Vice President Al Gore summed up what all Democrats were thinking when he said, "the only thing he is teaching kids to do is drink. I believe that that isn't water that he is drinking but actually Wauwatosa East's finest Vodka." Another problem is that Mr. Bird's nationality is being questioned after a rumor spread that he was actually made in Taiwan.
|Happy Drinking Bird's promotional button.|
Mr. Bird would not comment on these allegations but did say, "I am the right choice for president. I am easy to assemble, non flammable, and I, unlike Bill, already come with a warning label." Declining further comment Mr. Bird resumed his drinking.
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