Issue 3

Local Homeless Person Sells Out, Gets Job

Bertorello Sightings On The Rise

"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid
For President In 2000

Cannibals Riot At Body Shop

Pirate Activists Speak Out

Domes Commissioner Honored

Love That Beeshu!

Where The Hell Is Club K-Swiss?

Schoolrats (Uncensored)

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"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid For President In 2000

By Underground Writer Davey Jones
In a press conference last Saturday, Los Angeles native "Happy Drinking Bird" made a strong bid as presidential candidate in the year 2000.

Happy Drinking Bird, at his Saturday press conference.
Happy Drinking Bird talks to members of the press.
"The citizens of the United States have been neglected for far too long. As president I will make sure that everyone has a job, a place to sleep, a car in every garage, a chicken in every pot, and a cup of water that is always full so that everyone can drink forever," said Mr. Bird between sips.

When asked if he had any comments on the recent Sudan and Afghanistan bombings he responded very heatedly: "Bill can't take credit for that! His advisors deserve the credit! They were the ones who told him where the [darn] bases were! Any block head would have given the order to drop the bomb on them!" He soon regained his composure after a few sips.

Mr. Bird had a few words for the American people regarding the recent impeachment proceedings: "Bill has made a mockery of our democracy! A president needs to not only have a good stance on issues but also needs to be a role model for today's youth."

Happy Drinking Bird's promotional button.
The Democratic Party is tearing apart Mr. Bird's attempt at the presidential office, however, saying that he is a poor role model as well. Vice President Al Gore summed up what all Democrats were thinking when he said, "the only thing he is teaching kids to do is drink. I believe that that isn't water that he is drinking but actually Wauwatosa East's finest Vodka." Another problem is that Mr. Bird's nationality is being questioned after a rumor spread that he was actually made in Taiwan.

Mr. Bird would not comment on these allegations but did say, "I am the right choice for president. I am easy to assemble, non flammable, and I, unlike Bill, already come with a warning label." Declining further comment Mr. Bird resumed his drinking.

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