Issue 3

Local Homeless Person Sells Out, Gets Job

Bertorello Sightings On The Rise

"Happy Drinking Bird" Makes Strong Bid
For President In 2000

Cannibals Riot At Body Shop

Pirate Activists Speak Out

Domes Commissioner Honored

Love That Beeshu!

Where The Hell Is Club K-Swiss?

Schoolrats (Uncensored)

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Cannibals Riot At Body Shop

By Ed the Moose
The popular Body Shop at Mayfair Mall was the scene of violence yesterday as a tribe of Amazonian cannibals began to riot. Apparently, the tribe was upset over false advertising.

"We came to this store looking for some human flesh, but instead all we found were a bunch of crappy soaps!" said still angry tribesman Nrogar D'hantun. When the Amazonians walked up to the store counter and requested eight pounds of meat, the clerk was taken aback. When it became clear that they would not, in fact, get the flesh, the tribe grew enraged and violent. Before they could be subdued they had killed and eaten three clerks and damaged most of the merchandise.

"We're terribly sorry for misleading the cannibals," said Body Shop spokeswoman Evelyn Johnson, "but we also feel they could have been a bit more civil about it and not eaten our staff."

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