Happy New Year - We're All Going To Die!
By the Ghost of Newman
I'd like to be the first to wish you and yours a happy new year this holiday season. Enjoy it while you can. Yep, that's right, this may very well be the next to last 'happy' new year you will celebrate.
As we're all aware of, the year 2000 is quickly approaching. when the millennium finally arrives, all sorts of nasty things will happen. First of all, there's the dreaded "Millenium bug" which infests most of the computers in the world. Basically it means that at 12:00 on January 1, 2000, all of these computers will think that it's actually January 1, 1900. This means elevators could shut down, thinking that they need to be serviced, ATM machines could stop working, and computers will incorrectly guess that Dick Clark is only 48.
In addition to the Millenium bug, every wacko in America with a gun (meaning approximately 40 million Americans) will go nuts, shooting people because of the millennium. This has already been the basis for the TV show "Millennium" by X-Files creator Chris Carter, where psychotic killers commit grotesque crimes, having gone insane because they will be unable to use their old checks that have "19__" in the date.
So guzzle down that leftover eggnog and "promise" to lose 20 pounds. I'll be waiting in my underground bunker.
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