Issue 7

Tosa Teen Filled
With Spirit Of
Local TV Station
Reports Actual
News Story
Because I'm
Good Enough, I'm
Smart Enough...
Honor Our
Nation's Heroes
Ooda Boo!
Happy New Year -
We're All Going
To Die!
Ice Cream Is
Better Than Math

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Issue 7

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Tosa Teen Filled With Spirit Of Apathy

By the Ghost of Newman
In case you didn't know, Tosa East senior Mike O'Connell recently wrote an article for the Journal Sentinel about volunteerism and bell-ringing for the Salvation Army. Being the impartial news organization that we are, The Underground has decided to bring you the story of Adam Powell, Tosa East senior and all around cynic. Adam recently celebrated the holidays by sitting at home, looking for dirty pictures on the internet and other non-worthwhile activities. I talked with Adam over vacation one day after he woke up at 2:30 P.M. about his general lack of concern for others among other things.

N: Hey Adam, what's up?

A: Oh you know, just getting dressed, getting ready for dinner, listening to some Alice Cooper 45's.

N: So tell me, what led to your decision to not volunteer this holiday season?

A: Oh it was an easy decision, I've been steadily refusing to volunteer for years now. Now it's pretty much inertia; I'm a body at rest and I like to stay that way.

N: So you never feel that you're missing out on the joy of the holidays?

A: Oh no, I find ways to enjoy myself. You can't tell me breeding a gold Chocobo isn't a productive and fun hobby, and it's not like I'm unfamiliar with the homeless of Milwaukee, they make great targets for snowballs and the like since they're usually just sitting out in the streets motionless.

N: Well everyone needs to stay in shape. Have you ever given spare change to the Salvation Army or done anything for the good of society?

A: Well... I had a Canadian quarter once that no stores around here would accept so I told some bum I'd give it to him if he'd mow my lawn. Turns out he lost his arms in Vietnam so I kept the quarter.

N: Hey, it's the thought that counts. Any final thoughts?

A: Yes... I encourage every teenager to waste what time they have, not just because you should or your parents tell you to, but, rather, because you want to. Remember, anyone can depreciate themselves physically, but to have your mind completely atrophy, now that's an accomplishment.

N: Wow man, that's beautiful. Can I have two dollars to help pay for copies for The Underground?

A: Hell no.

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