Issue 7

Tosa Teen Filled
With Spirit Of
Local TV Station
Reports Actual
News Story
Because I'm
Good Enough, I'm
Smart Enough...
Honor Our
Nation's Heroes
Ooda Boo!
Happy New Year -
We're All Going
To Die!
Ice Cream Is
Better Than Math

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Issue 7

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Honor Our Nation's Heroes

By Dr. Frank, Attrociated Press
As many of you may already know, this past baseball season marked the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier. In his honor, all 28 major league baseball teams retired the number 42.

Much in the same manner, a graduate of my high school, GlenOak High School in Canton, Ohio, has broken another barrier. Brian Warner, aka Marilyn Manson, has saved the world by breaking the barriers of bad taste. He has gone so far that no one else can ever be truthfully referred to as tasteless again.

In order to honor this great American Hero, I suggested to my school that we retire Mr. Manson's uniform number. Upon hearing that he played no high school sport, I was sent back to the drawing board. Then genius struck me. I am now making an appeal to every high school in the nation to retire Mr. Manson's favorite on-stage outfit: the beloved jock strap. It is my goal that by 1999 there will be not a single high school in the nation without an athletic supporter hanging from its rafters.

Now I know that this may cause a bit of discomfort among athletic guys (once you retire the strap, no one can wear one), but don't you owe at least that much to the man who has reaffirmed your First Amendment rights by taking the shock value out of everything you say? I certainly think so.

I sincerely thank you for reading this appeal. I hope that my suggestion has been taken to heart, and you will honor the great hero that is Brian Warner.

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