Issue 4

Scott Schneider
The Atom:
Fact Or Fiction?
Atoms Exist
Miss Plath Is
Obsessed With
Opinion Poll
The 6th
Spice Girl

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The Atom: Fact Or Fiction?

By The Regulator
Atomic theory is silly. Dammit, how am I supposed to believe in something I can't see? Oh, it's very convenient for the scientists to come up with this little "atomic theory," which proclaims the existence of something so small that no one can see it to verify if it actually exists. In fact, atoms cannot be sensed in any way whatsoever. They can only be detected by machines with those little videogame displays. Now come on. Any scientist worth his beans could program a cheesy little graphics display program and say "Ooooo, look everybody! I've discovered the atom! Aren't I cool?"

Man, those whacked-out scientists. The chemists especially. Who do you think comes up with these whacked-out drugs, like LSD and PSP? The chemists. So how can we trust the chemists to come up with theories? They're totally wasted half the time. Another relevant point I feel compelled to make is this: Democritus first theorized the atom. Democracy brought about equality among men. As can be plainly seen, nothing good ever came about because of Democr(insert your favorite two syllables).

But enough with my bullshit. Let's look at the cold, hard facts. If atoms were to exist, then the bondage of homonuclear dispersion molecules would be completely erroneous. Due to this, the thermodynamic stability of copolymerizing radiation would instead fall under the category of complex synthetic stereoisomerism. Moreover, coordinated subatomic quantification could exist solely in the context of covalent diatomic hybridization. Chaos, my friends. Pure chaos. So as you can see, any proclamation of the existence of "atoms" can only be viewed as silly. Sorry, all you chemists out there, but you'll just have to start all over.

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