Issue 2

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Hurricanes Blow!
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Hurricanes Blow!

By M. F. Luder
Last weekend, Miami was beaten like a Nebraska Huskers girlfriend by Florida State. Miami had previously lost to the school formerly known as Pitt, something which is more embarrassing than not being good enough to start for the Chicago Bears. The losses are the result of NCAA sanctions that limit the amount of cocaine that they can give their athletes. Miami is trying to appeal the sanctions, which last until the year 2000. They were put on probation because of an incident in which one of their athletes was forced to go to class and earn a grade. When asked about the alleged classes taking place for athletes, the teacher responded, "I didn't know he was on the football team, I just thought he had a runny nose." He has since been let go.

The NCAA has heard Miami's appeal and will rule by the end of the month on whether or not to lift the ban. People in the know say that Miami will get back some of the ability to give crack to players. The head of the NCAA narcotics committee commented on the appeal, "It just isn't fair to take away their crack. Although other schools don't use blow, they keep their athletes happy. At Michigan they pay them, and at Florida they let the football team beat up the track team a couple of times a year. It is just too harsh of a penalty."

Bill Colleto, a former Notre Dame coach, had this to say: "Some school tried to go straight, not buying off their players, and look at them. Why do you think Notre Dame is 2-4? Because the money ran out. The only reason Lou Holtz left was because they couldn't afford his large 'habit'."

Most former Miami football players were unavailable for comment; they were busy earning cigarettes for 'Big Bubba' in a state, or federal, penitentiary, depending on the player. The team's former coach, Jimmy Johnson, had this to say about Miami: "I couldn't stand the rampant drug use that was going on, so I only stayed for five years. I just had to get out after that. A man has to have some standards; winning isn't everything." Johnson then went on to coach the Dallas Cowboys. 'Nuff said.

Michael Irvin and Larry Allen were on "business" trips to Colombia, and could not be reached for comment.

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