Issue 16

Senior Awards
Super Special!
Students To
Weekend By
Listening To Dave
Matthews Band
Headin' For
Man Buys Ticket
To Lilith Fair
Article Written
"Babylon 5" Is
Actually Pretty

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Issue 16

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Students To Celebrate Weekend By Drinking, Listening To Dave Matthews Band

By Newman
A group of six Tosa East students announced during a press conference yesterday that they plan to commemorate this Memorial Day weekend by drinking and/or listening to the Dave Matthews Band.

"Like, this week has been pretty rough man. I just need to unwind, chill, maybe have a couple Millers, and just kick back to some tunes," said one of the members of the group, dressed in a tie-dyed t-shirt and wearing one sandal, after he lost the other in a vicious battle with The Regulator.

This announcement comes as little surprise to the Tosa East community, as they have spent 26 of the past 28 weekends doing much the same activity. Still, the announcement generated its share of controversy among the student body.

"Man, I keep telling those guys, Phish is so much better than that Dave Matthews crap they're listening to," said one disgruntled junior.

"I don't know how they can keep chuggin' that Miller shit," commented one senior. "I mean, they got some cool commercials and all, but Heineken is where it's at. And don't even get me started on that Dave Matthews faggot; Jerry Garcia was, and always will be, God."

The group however, remained stoic in the face of such criticism. The slightly bloodshot-eyed spokesman replied, "Dude, personally, I prefer Coors, but Miller is what my bro buys me so Miller is what we drink. And yeah, Phish is good, but that new Dave CD just fuckin' rocks."

He would neither confirm nor deny rumors that his brother was bringing in two kegs from Madison, but simply commented, "Listen. I know there's been a lot of speculation about the kegs, but let me just tell you this. There will be a party on Friday for me and my five homies. There will be large amounts of alcoholic beverages consumed, and we will pump up the volume on Dave. There may or may not be bud. End of press conference."

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