Issue 16

Senior Awards
Super Special!
Students To
Weekend By
Listening To Dave
Matthews Band
Headin' For
Man Buys Ticket
To Lilith Fair
Article Written
"Babylon 5" Is
Actually Pretty

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Issue 16

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Senior Awards Super Special!

By Newman

Senior Predictions & Quotes

In ten years...

Jake Sosnay will be promoted to assistant fry cook at Wendy's. (Oh wait, that was Jake Wolter's prediction from last year. Sorry.)
Alicia Keyser will be World Yodeling Champion, two years in a row.
Jeff Pertl will travel to Hawaii, the only state where it will be legal to marry yourself.
Sara Polczynski will finally snap, as half the people who attend the ten-year reunion show up drunk.
Mike O'Connell will face harsh criticism and protests after the episode of "The Mike O'Connell Show" titled "Transvestite stock brokers who strip!
Jeremy Geisel will be arrested on a charge of aggravated flicker assault.
Andy Capes will move to New York City with his new bride, Carolyn Bertorello-Capes.
Shaun DeFrain will become CEO of Hooters, Inc.
Dan Coates will openly weep upon the death of Isaac Hayes.
Melanie Green will start a C. S. Lewis-worshipping cult.
Dan Kopperud will climb a mountain in Montana, team up with Wylie Hefti, and become the next Unabomber.
Don Krueger's hair will grow to such a height that he will be required by the FAA to place a flashing beacon on the top of it.
Pat Tanski will work for 10 hours a week, maintain a website that makes fun of virtually everybody, yet somehow manage to not do anything at all productive himself.
Alex Moll will write a book, "Education in the 21st Century," that will detail sweeping changes that would revolutionize schools forever. No one will pay attention to it.
John Roberts will own an entire wardrobe with a net value of under $30.
Jeff Kroll will fulfill his dreams of working for the most evil corporation in the world, when he accepts a position at Microsoft, Inc.

Mike Trinastic: "I am Mike Trinastic. I am better than you."
Jeff Pertl: "I am not gay, I am just thin, single and neat! Not that there's anything wrong with that."
David Fan: "Please don't deport me! I swear I didn't see that stop sign!"
Katie Karabon: "That Newman is the sexiest newspaper editor in the school."
Dan Moore: "I'm sorry officer, is there a problem? Hey, what are you holding that nightstick for?"
SarahJane Guralski: "I must proclaim that I am a bit nonplussed as to why everyone depreciates my intellectual aptitude.
Mike O'Connell: "Hey everybody, look at me! I'm doing something crazy!"
Brendon Slotterback: "What? It's not my fault that my dad didn't call off school today. Ow! Stop, that hurts!"
Jordan Yost: "Yeah, thanks a lot for not buying us donuts again Ms. Bertorello. Oh, you did? What do you mean I can only have four? Pff, thanks for nothing."
The rest of the senior class's quotes (condensed): "Shout-outs to J.S., P.T., Winky, D.Q., M.B., Professor Bubbles, H.W., and One-Eye! Remember: twinkie... quilted toilet paper... St. Bernard... scissors... 12-inch Bic... HT 5.8K... pumpkin... blue Honda Civic... 48. Yeeah, Madtown here I come!"

Totally Pointless Facts
(that are still more interesting than the awards themselves)

  • Today marks two years to the day since Newman got his driver's license.
  • Today is also the one year anniversary of The Regulator and his woman. Congratulations on successfully manipulating her for so long!
  • M. F. Luder's (real) middle name is Maxwell.
  • Mr. Streff's two children are named Billy and Bobby.
  • Copy costs for The Underground have been over $275.
  • Abraham Lincoln's secretary's last name was Kennedy, and John F. Kennedy's secretary's last name was Lincoln.
  • Charles Darwin was born in 1809 and died in 1882. His book "Origin of Species" was very popular.
  • The Crystal Method plays this weekend at The Rave. The sixth track of their album Vegas is entitled "Keep Hope Alive," and kicks much ass.
  • The official title of Dr. Allen's 7th hour class is "Advanced Biology," not "Advanced Sexual Innuendo," as many might think. Additionally, there is smut on page 215 of the Advanced Biology textbook.
  • If Dan Leising married David Fan, his name could be "Dan Fan."
  • My baloney has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R.
  • Ben Chandler is David to Mr. Fiet's Goliath in first hour Calculus.
  • If you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while watching The Wizard of Oz, apparently there are some cool coincidences. If you listen to Marilyn Manson's Smells Like Children during the movie, you will be filled with a sudden desire to have sex with Toto.
  • Joe Gustavson's homepage is at

Activities For Bored Underclassmen

Freshmen and sophomores: Fantasize about the day when you will be able to go into the Raider Room and play "Owner of a Lonely Heart" or "Mmmbop" to your heart's content.
Create a mural on the neck of the person sitting in front of you.
Sneak out and party with those Wauwatosa Homemaker's chicks backstage.
Using only a rubberband, three soda bottles with varying levels of water in them, and your own armpit, form a one man band and charge those sitting around you $2.50 to hear you play.
Sneak in a copy of The Onion and read it to Mr. Payne's chagrin!
Using a sample of your own blood, extract a strand of your DNA and map out your genes, base by base. (Note: This may require the use of a couple of notebooks and/or a Cray supercomputer.)

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