Issue 2

Goths To Hold Rummage Sale

RJ Eisemann To Be Hollywood's Next "Anne Of Green Gables"


A Million Watts
Of Love

Impact Of Announcements

Planet Of "Damned, Dirty Apes" Is Earth

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A Million Watts Of Love

By Sex Dwarf
Many people come up to me and say "Hey, Sex Dwarf, you're a three foot tall midget from the Ukraine, can you tell me how I can be a better person?" These peoples' problems range from losing that extra five pounds to wondering where to rent a carpet shampooer. Instead of answering the never-ending questions from people , I have decided to launch my own line of self-help books. You heard right, It's time this minty-smelling dwarf gave something back to society, because unlike those other circus performers, I care.

The series will launch shortly, as I am working hard at my desktop, sitting upon a stack of phone books and booster seats, to finish the first releases now. They will be available through my own special book club, "Ink on Dead Trees for People Under 70 Pounds", or IODTFPU70P, for short.

The first books to be release shall be in the same vein as the "Idiots Guide To" and the "Dummies" books. The Comatose Moron's Guide to Wine Tasting is the first, and the guides for car repair and treatments for contagious skin rashes will follow in the coming weeks.

To promote these books, my best friend and supervising editor, Herman, the Robotic Space Penguin, will kick off a nation wide tour of all Burger King parking lots. There will be book signings, T-Shirts, and 25% percent off Sailor Moon Kids Meals. So, come on out and show your support.

Soon to be released:

  • The Comatose Moron's Guide to Wine Tasting
  • The Comatose Moron's Guide to Car Repair*
  • Contagious Skin Rashes for Comatose Morons*
* bonus stickers inside

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