Issue 2

Goths To Hold Rummage Sale

RJ Eisemann To Be Hollywood's Next "Anne Of Green Gables"


A Million Watts
Of Love

Impact Of Announcements

Planet Of "Damned, Dirty Apes" Is Earth

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Planet Of "Damned, Dirty Apes" Is Earth

By Ed The Moose
In a press-conference earlier today, actor, and apparently astronaut, Charlton Heston has come forth with his discovery that the Planet of the Apes is, in fact, Earth. The planet, the one with the apes, has long been believed to be far, far away and in the very distant future. Heston, who insisted on being called Taylor, declared that he had been an astronaut on an experimental flight which brought him and his fellow "astronauts" to the Planet of the Apes.

"We crashed and were forced to wander through a desert," explained an impassioned Heston, "Later, we came across some primitive humans who were foraging. Suddenly they were upon us! With guns blazing, they killed or captured all of us!" Heston broke down momentarily at the memory, weeping into the podium.

"If his claims are correct," said Harvard scientist Robert Singh, "then humanity appears to have basically destroyed itself, allowing the apes to evolve to their present status and actually rule us. Our roles appear to have switched. It is all very confusing."

Heston was unable to articulate how he survived to make his discovery, as he continually yelled that his name was not "Bright Eyes", and to get "our dirty paws" off of him. Unfortunately, all existence of humanity's former glory has been destroyed by a mysterious "Dr. Zaius." The evidence consisted of a baby doll and dentures, according to Heston. Heston continued to make a plea to the UN to end all communication with the Planet of the Apes, and to declare war on them before it is too late. He ended the press-conference with incoherent damnations against one and all, followed by a spirited pounding of his fists upon the floor.

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