Issue 11

Ms. Bertorello
Kicks Ass
Girls Attracted To
Guys Who Eat
Frosted Flakes
Corner: CTW
Betsy Schaller
Is On Crack
And Now...
Deep Thoughts

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Issue 11

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Conspiracy Corner: CTW

By Newman
Most of you may not think you're familiar with the international crime cartel that is CTW, but if you've ever watched PBS or purchased a Tickle Me Elmo doll, chances are you've fueled their worldwide conspiracy for power. The CTW, better known as the Children's Television Workshop, produces such television shows as Sesame Street and Ghostwriter.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "But Newman, these are wholesome family shows!" Wrong! Have you ever seen Ghostwriter? The premise of the show is that some 'friendly' ghost who can communicate only through writing leads kids into dangerous mysteries where they could be killed, maimed, or both. I mean, if that doesn't sound a little freaky, I don't know what does. And how is Sesame Street part of all this you ask? Three words my friend: Oscar the Grouch. That seemingly harmless pessimistic character is one of Satan's minions himself. Plus, what's up with that Snuffleupagus? You know what I mean. If that beast in itself isn't horrific enough, recently a "baby" snuffleupagus has appeared on the show. Only how was this evil creature spawned if there is only one other snuffleupagus? It is undoubtedly a product of CTW's recent immoral cloning experiments.

Still not convinced? Well, OK, how about those initials, CTW? Think they really stand for "Children's Television Workshop?" Think again, sucka. Try "Cruel Tyrannical Warlords." Yes, the masterminds behind this dark global syndicate cleverly disguised their actual personalities in the abbreviation for their own organization! Also disguised in the initials are the identities of two of their members, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh, as CTW also stands for "Conservative Tight-ass Wankers," surely describing the true republican intentions of the group.

So, as I cook up some conspiracy theory waffles along with some cheap-tasting wine, once again I beseech you all: those CTW bastards must be stopped. Down with Big Bird.

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