Issue 11

Ms. Bertorello
Kicks Ass
Women's
Suffrage
Girls Attracted To
Guys Who Eat
Frosted Flakes
Conspiracy
Corner: CTW
Betsy Schaller
Is On Crack
And Now...
Deep Thoughts


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Ms. Bertorello Kicks Ass

By Newman
In an actual survey of 48 juniors and seniors conducted two weeks ago by The Underground, Tosa East English teacher/guru Carolyn Bertorello was determined to kick ass by a margin of 46 to 2.

Ms. Bertorello, or "Bert" as she is known by her close friends and fiancÚs, has long been known to rule quite a bit. Her flamboyant nature, random "donut days," and occasional semi-drunkenness have made her a student favorite for years. With this official survey, however, her ass-kicking ability has finally been confirmed.

"She's a good teacher and good entertainment all at once," stated Erin Dunn, in just the beginning of a plethora of praise for Ms. B. Mychale Schertz has a love/hate relationship with Bertorello, as she said, "She scares me, but I love her."

Other students had a slightly more... provocative view of things. "She's the stuff little boys' dreams are made of," said Dan Kopperud. "Her 'SNL cheerleader' kick is amazing!" exclaimed David Fan. Resident 'Tosa East Playa' Scott Schneider's comment was most revealing, and a bit disturbing even, as he said, "I like it when she whips me."

Despite all these glowing commendations, there were two rebels who did not concur that Ms. Bertorello kicked ass: Andy Capes and Jordan Yost. Sadly, the tragic tale of Mr. Capes is all too familiar to anyone in 2nd hour AP Language & Comp. Left at the altar as her cruel fancies turned to Mike "Mr. Wonderful" O'Connell, former Bert-fiancÚ Andy is now filled with only resentment and bitterness towards his former lover. The other dissenter, Jordan Yost, simply voted "doesn't kick ass" because he's a punk.

For Ms. Bertorello, who has announced that she will retire at the end of the year, the results of this survey must be a powerful vindication of her 25+ years of teaching at Tosa East. To her credit however, she has kept the same no-nonsense facade as always. Telling her students that they couldn't drink soda in class, she commented, "I don't even drink my vodka in here, although I want to."

Amen, Ms. Bertorello. Amen.

'you remember how i beat you, don't you?'
Ms. Carolyn Bertorello (file photo circa 1972)

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