Those Damn Welsh!
By the Ghost of Newman
I don't want to alarm anyone, but my fellow Americans, our lives are in danger. The menace that is Wales has been waiting for the time to strike, and I fear that time may be near.
As incredible as it may seem, some of you may not even know where Wales is. This is just what the Welsh leaders want; to maintain the American public's ignorance until the time is right to pounce on the unsuspecting world. Wales is a principality of Great Britain, just west of England. For years, the Welsh authorities, long embarrassed to be the wussiest part of Great Britain, have been plotting for world domination. Now that Diana, Princess of Wales is out of the way, there is nothing holding them back.
However, this threat is not a new one. The Welsh have long been responsible for all our country's problems. Remember the 1929 stock market crash? The Welsh set it up. And the 1989 San Francisco earthquake? You guessed it, all the Welsh's doing. The icing on the cake though was the framing of O.J. Simpson, in an attempt to sabotage the reputation of one of our greatest American heroes. Thank God he was found innocent so we can return to honoring him as one of the best runningbacks in the history of football. And don't even get me started on the Welsh attempt to infiltrate the American music scene. That can be summed up in five words: New Kids on the Block.
"Cedwir y gwybodaeth a datblygwyd gan."
An actual Welsh phrase, which roughly translated means "We will crush all who stand in our way."
So what should we do about this Welsh Menace? I advocate the spending of billions of dollars on defense so that we can be prepared for any eventuality. Unfortunately, the Welsh tyrants will probably not listen to reason, so a military response will probably be necessary. I suggest the use of nuclear force as well as a conventional attack. Of course, if we launch our missiles on them, they will probably fire back. I know that a nuclear holocaust sounds bad, but isn't having a few major metropolises turned into piles of charred radioactive rubble better than being ruled like slaves by the arrogant Welsh dictators?
I know you will all support me in capturing all Welsh-Americans and then taking them to Welsh Relocation Centers where they can be safely detained and/or "persuaded" to reveal what they know about their plan for world domination. Together, we can put an end to the ominous threat of Wales. And if all else fails, just duck and cover.
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