Issue 8

Those Damn
John Grisham To
Write Law-Related
America Online
Is Evil
"Sausage" For
White Boy
Keyboard Jazz

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By M. F. Luder
I was meandering through the halls recently when I heard a giant explosion, followed by a blood curdling scream. It piqued my interest, so I set out to find the source. The screams died away and were replaced by a demented giggling. I had never heard a noise like that before so I looked in.

A student was on fire. He was running around, bumping into other students, starting them on fire, and yelling in anguish. All the while, a man-devil kept laughing as the body count rose, amused by the smell of charred flesh. Soon the entire classroom was on fire but he seemed to embrace the heat, as if it was like home. After talking to the survivor, I found out that this was just another day with Mr. Swenson (that's Olde English for Keyser Soze).

Having sold his soul in 1924, he became a chemistry teacher for the Tosa school district. He has always had a slight sado-masochistic flair that set him apart from all the other teachers at east, but it took a few years for him to hit his groove and stop his students from having fun learning. In 1928, he discovered his present style of humiliating his students and shattering their frail, budding egos. In 1953 he instituted his policy of never actually remembering a person's name in an attempt to demean students even more.

His interesting and innovative teaching style really brings the learning atmosphere to life, forcing the students to learn. Instead of motivating his students like other, lesser teachers, he uses the fear of death to get his students to work. In no other class does a student's life depend on the promptness of a paper. Not only does Swenson inspire students to learn, but he also weeds out the weakest students, saving society from having to pay Greg Pautsch's unemployment check in the future.

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