Issue 19

Bic Unveils
Pen 98
Underground Snubbed By Emmys
That F*cking President!
Clinton Not Guilty
Year 1999 Virus

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Year 1999 Virus

By Newman
From government agencies to religious fanatic groups to even the average paranoid citizen, a lot of attention has been paid to the so-called "Year 2000 Problem." The problem being that computers that use two digits for the year, such as "98," instead of four digits, such as "1998," will not be able to tell the year 2000 from the year 1900 when the big "00" rolls around.

However, with all the attention paid to the "Y2K" problem, as it is sometimes called, an equally sinister virus has been able to sneak through, virtually undetected. However, being the diehard journalists that we at The Underground are, we caught it before it was too late and are now bringing it to your attention. The Year 1999 Virus (or Y1.999K) threatens to cripple all computers faced with the problem at the stroke of midnight on January 1, 1999.

The virus works when, at midnight, computers realize that they can finally party like it's 1999. They lapse into an unresponsive drunken stupor, much like their owners at the same time, except this stupor lasts weeks, even months. Some computers refuse to even boot up, simply making sounds resembling a dove crying. Experts fear that the virus could spread like Purple Rain if efforts are not made to stop it, such as changing the name of the virus to an unpronounceable symbol.

Sources also inform the Underground that a deadly Year 2001 Virus lurks in the shadows after these two viruses have attacked, waiting to seize control of PCs around the world. However, this virus only affects those computer users named Dave in outer space. In a related story, Dave Andrae of the group Astronaut Ice Cream Headache lobbied Congress today for funds to eradicate the Y2.001K problem.

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