Issue 19

Bic Unveils
Pen 98
Underground Snubbed By Emmys
That F*cking President!
Clinton Not Guilty
Year 1999 Virus

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Bic Unveils Pen 98

By Newman
In a move many stationery experts believe will reinforce the French pen company's stranglehold on the ballpoint market, Bic announced today the release of its highly anticipated Pen 98.

"Pen 98 represents the next level of writing utensil technology," said Bic chairman William Doors. "It features an improved finger interface with a new, textured grip, 18% darker and more readable ink, and its new design allows for a 22% larger ink storage unit than our previous model, Pen 95."

Critics, however, claim that this new pen is simply a publicity stunt, and a further effort to monopolize the pen industry. Pilot Pen CEO Jack Horkheimer remarked that the improved, textured grip is simply a bastardized version of a grip pioneered in Pilot pens as long as ten years ago. Many also claim that Pen 98 should have undergone more testing, as it has an alarming tendency to explode at any moment, a fact shown at the annual World Ballpoint Pen Convention this spring in Chicago, after a messy and embarrassing Pen 98 explosion during Bic chairman William Doors's demonstration of the pen.

Bic officials shrug off these allegations as negative anti-Bic propaganda from its competitors, and claim that the improvements to Pen 98 make it the ideal choice for those who want to write on the estimated 85% of all paper products which are specifically designed for Bic pens. Bic's Pen 98 upgrade is available at your local Target, Best Buy or Office Depot for the low price of $89.95.

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