Issue 19

Bic Unveils
Pen 98
Underground Snubbed By Emmys
That F*cking President!
Clinton Not Guilty
Year 1999 Virus

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Clinton Not Guilty

By Dr. Frank, Washington Correspondent
In the unlikely event that Underground readers actually are up to date on current events, some very interesting theories have developed in Washington in regards to the alleged Clinton sex scandal.

For those of you who watch the news, you may have already noticed that the once delightfully girthy Monica Lewinsky has taken on a new, Paula Jones-esque skinniness. This sudden and drastic change makes one wonder about Lewinsky's past, as well as that stained dress we keep hearing about... as if we all didn't have our own.

Well, let me get to the point. Ms. Lewinsky is suddenly skinny. Could this be because she stopped her rabid eating habits of old? Precisely. Although it has yet to be confirmed, rumor has it that the "stain" on Ms. Lewinsky's dress (which she for some reason failed to wash after the alleged incident) not only fails to match President Clinton's DNA, it's not really even... um... you know, the "stuff."

One of the lab technicians (we'll call her "Dr. Mary") said that when they first saw the stain, their first reaction was that it was something else. "It looked like hair gel to me," said Mary.

So what exactly is "the stain?" The best guess that this reporter currently can make is that it was a simple unwanted side effect of mastication.

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