Issue 14

Entire Graduating
Class To Attend
I Think I'll Wear
My Sandals
Super Happy
Fun Quiz II
Local Student
Beaten Senseless
Taxes Suck
Pope Condemns

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Issue 14

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Taxes Suck

By M. F. Luder
So it was a Saturday night, and I was sittin', chillin', listenin' to some tunes as I prepared to drink away another night with my bottle of peach schnapps. Unfortunately, my really annoying "friend," The Regulator's mom, called me up just before I started my party of one. She said, "Baby, I need to earn some extra money for my taxes. I need it by ten; it's 9:50 now, if you can get here in eight minutes I'll have my last nickel just in time."

I laughed at her plight. "Ya gots to think ahead," I said. "I paid my taxes a year ago." Again, I laughed and then hung up.

Oh crap.

I rushed to fill out a tax form, randomly checking boxes and deducting huge sums of money for "charity." I quickly signed my name and sped off to the post office. I thought I was screwed when I saw red lights, stop signs and the elderly in my way, but always the quick thinker, I closed my eyes and sped all the way, ignoring the screeching metal and occasional thumps beneath the tires.

My question is, why do we pay taxes? They tell us it's so we can be "protected with an army." That sounds like a scam I used to run in the Bronx. We'd collect "protection fees" from nearby merchants, and if they didn't pay, bad things happened. What happens if you don't pay taxes? After ten to fifteen years the government notices and takes you away for punishment for a year or so.

Why extort from our own population when there's a whole world out there? The U.S. should start "taxing" Central and South America; if countries don't pay, then... "Whoops, did that nuke go off in your capital? My bad." If we are really the strongest nation on earth, why not take advantage of it? Not only would we alleviate these annoying taxes, but we'd also get plenty of moola to buy more nukes and charge more countries with our "tax." Now that's a plan.

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