Issue 14

Entire Graduating
Class To Attend
I Think I'll Wear
My Sandals
Super Happy
Fun Quiz II
Local Student
Beaten Senseless
Taxes Suck
Pope Condemns

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Issue 14

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Local Student Beaten Senseless

By Newman
The tightly-knit community of Maumafosa, Minnesota was rocked by controversy Sunday, as Maumafosa East High School senior Don Lesse was the victim of a savage beating at the hands of the Maumafosa police. Lesse made the local newspapers earlier in the week because of his cartoon in the school newspaper, the Oriole News. The cartoon featured a white cop standing next to the car of an African-American male, saying, "You know that you're a black man driving in Maumafosa, don't you?"

Don said the cartoon was based on his "perceptions" of racist police activity along South Avenue, although he never saw any first-hand. The Underground has learned, however, that Maumafosa police officers have a special code name for African-Americans. Among themselves, some police officers refer to blacks as "Canadians," because they come from the north side. When asked about these allegations, police chief Harry Weder simply closed his eyes, covered his ears with his hands and chanted, "Racism does not exist. Racism does not exist. Racism does not exist."

Police chief Wiggum -- I mean Weder -- denied any connections between police officers' bitter feelings toward Lesse because of his cartoon, and the beating. "This was not, in any way, a retaliation against Don for his cartoon. This was a simple traffic stop that quickly degenerated into a situation where we had to use deadly force." Weder explained that Lesse was pulled over for driving 31 in a 30 mph zone. After identifying that Lesse was the driver, ten squad cars surrounded the car.

"We asked Lesse to provide ID," clarified Weder, "but he reached down to his back pocket, as if to pull out a weapon, so we had to use tear gas bombs to get him out of the car. As he was on the ground, gasping for air, one of the officers noticed an object in Don's hand that could have been a gun, so he began beating him with his nightstick. The other officers joined in the beating shortly thereafter. We kept telling him not to move, but his left arm kept twitching, so we had no choice but to continue the onslaught." The gun-like object was later determined to be Lesse's wallet.

Don Lesse was unavailable for comment, as his trachea is currently in 24 separate pieces.

Disclaimer: All persons in this article are fictional, and any resemblance to anyone real is simply a figment of your imagination.

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