Issue 14

Entire Graduating
Class To Attend
I Think I'll Wear
My Sandals
Super Happy
Fun Quiz II
Local Student
Beaten Senseless
Taxes Suck
Pope Condemns

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Issue 14

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Pope Condemns Easter

By Newman
In a message delivered from Rome on Sunday, Pope John Paul II annulled Christianity's most important holiday, as he officially repealed Easter and denounced its traditional decoration of eggs.

"The increased demand for eggs around the around the Easter season results in increased egg sales of almost 40%," said his Holiness, "meaning that the potential lives of nearly 30 million chickens are lost each Easter. Each time an egg is hidden in a garden or kitchen, the sacred life of a chicken, one of God's creatures, is being snuffed out."

The Catholic church, although admitting that this is quite a drastic step, has been crusading to save the lives of unborn animals for years now. In 1964, the Vatican condemned the preparation and consuming of omelettes and Egg McMuffins, and in 1971, eating caviar was determined to be a sin.

Members of the religious right, although a bit disappointed at the abolition of Easter, took this announcement in stride. Christian Coalition members trashed large sections of area grocery stores' produce departments, and other anti-egg consumption protests were noted across the country. "This has interfered with my abortion clinic bombing schedule a bit, but I am merely God's servant, and must obey His will," said one protestor, as he hijacked an egg truck en route to Sentry.

With the pontiff's stunning decree, Easter, a holiday commemorating the resurrection of 1st century AD prophet, savior, and Son of God Jesus Christ, is no more, and all Easter holidays and recesses have been canceled. In addition, the Pope excommunicated the Easter Bunny and all those cute little Cadbury bunnies.

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