Issue 17

Writers Use Last
Satiric Headline
Second Human
Brain Discovered
Library Seized In
Fascist Coup
Paint [The
Library] Black
The Cardinal
News Concedes!

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Issue 17

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Paint [The Library] Black

By The Penguin
It's a well known fact among Tosa East students and especially all you Undies that the librarians aren't what one might call "agreeable." This is something that many believe in and do so vigorously. However, as a new investigative reporter at The Underground, I, The Penguin, went in search of students on both sides of the issue.

I asked simple questions like, "What special experiences have you had with those lovable disciples of the Dewey Decimal System?" and, "In what ways have the librarians been helpful?" A common response among students cannot be printed in this publication without a serious reprimand, so we'll focus on some of the more positive answers. Sophomore quote machine Pimp Daddy Mack said, "They directed me towards books like 'Let's Disco' and 'The Communist Manifesto.' "

As a frequent visitor to the club scene, I didn't find Let's Disco as too strange of a book. However, I didn't really know much about The Communist Manifesto, so I decided to go to the source and ask just what it was, and more importantly, who wrote it.

Let me tell you, brother, it was an eye-opener. Upon request to see the book, the librarians quickly pulled it out of their desk and said, "Happy reading!"; a peaceful and somewhat friendly response from these supposed monsters of doom. Surprisingly, they then began to put in a CD of the Rolling Stones' "Paint it Black."

As I listened to Mick Jagger belt out, "I see a red door and I want it painted black," I realized that The Communist Manifesto was the philosophy of Karl Marx, and the inspiration for Lenin's Russian Revolution, thus the beginning of what Ronald Reagan called the "Evil Empire." Apparently, I was not the first to notice the connection between the librarians and the World of Darkness, as other sophomore and even more juniors who wish to remain unnamed said, "The librarians like to yell at us and use whips to keep us from leaning back in our chairs."

Well, I don't know about the whips, but I hear ya brother, I hear ya!

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