The Cardinal News Concedes!
By M. F. Luder
After months of pitched battle, frenzied melees, backdoor shenanigans, and vast amounts of hubris, the epic clash of titans, the conflict between the Newsies and the Undies for control of the hearts and minds of Tosa East, is finally over.
Yesterday, June 3, 1998, at 10:50 a.m., the Cardinal News ended this struggle when they published their last issue. Contrarily, The Underground was able to endure this marathon of publication, surviving a day longer, and taking full control of the title, "Tosa East's Award-winning Newspaper."
Due to the months of superhuman struggle put forth by both sides, the hours upon hours spent preparing the Cardinal News, and the minutes upon minutes spent preparing The Underground, the inability of the Cardinal News to keep up with The Underground affected their staff deeply. Dictator-in-chief, Mike Trinastic, was so distraught at the loss that after a scant 10 days on the wagon, he turned back to alcohol, drinking two Screwdrivers and two Kahluas before passing out drunk in the hall. Lee John Jeffrey Pertl openly wept upon hearing the news. Ryan Bannen gave up on the low-brow American culture, headed for the London Underground, and has already begun the cultivation of a sloggin' good British accent.
With the Cardinal News triumvirate giving up the fight, with Jeff Kroll in jail for molestation and with Rob Kennedy practically failing two classes, we here at The Underground flout our victory. We have slayed the juggernaut, beheaded the behemoth, eviscerated the Leviathan (and we're not just talking about the librarians here kiddies), and now we control the school for the rest of the year.
Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha... erp... hm. Well, we will run this school with an iron fist, leather whip, and plenty of latex till Friday at 3:00 p.m. Then, let the real debauchery begin.
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