Issue 17

Writers Use Last
Satiric Headline
Second Human
Brain Discovered
Library Seized In
Fascist Coup
Paint [The
Library] Black
The Cardinal
News Concedes!

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Issue 17

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Library Seized In Fascist Coup

By Newman
What started out as a peaceful Tuesday morning like any other quickly turned into a bloodbath of violence and carnage, as the Tosa East librarians forcefully seized power of the library in a show of force not seen since the Nazi blitzkrieg.

Signs of library fascism have been apparent for some time now, as the librarians have reportedly been drunk on their own power over the school's Internet connections, but despite the imminent attack, the administration has been wary of taking action. Last week, a student was expelled from the library for life for eating a tic-tac, a violation of the library's no-food-and-drink policy. Also, one student was hospitalized for blows received from Mrs. Walbrunn for the heinous crime of talking, while another unsuspecting freshman was shot point-blank in the back of the head for tilting back on his chair. After these incidents, under extreme pressure, Mr. Hays attempted to pursue diplomatic avenues with the librarians, and using the strategy of appeasement, declared that the library would have "peace in our time."

Those dreams of library liberty ended the morning of Tuesday, June 2, however, when library dictators led the fiercest crackdown since Tiananmen Square. Enraged by the audacity of a student to be both listening to a walkman and sitting five to a table, Mrs. "I Have A Master's Degree" Wendling immediately exiled all students from the library, under penalty of death if they should return. When one student attempted to return to retrieve a forgotten backpack, she was promptly decapitated by an Indiana Jones-style booby trap and eaten by a pack of attack dogs.

Seniors Jon Richter and Anna Fleming, who were in the media room at the time of the coup, are being held hostage until the librarians' demands -- a two hour lunch break and immediate death sentence for anyone caught talking -- are met. Until that time, the school's library resources, which are rumored to contain over 70 books, are unavailable for use.

President Clinton urged the librarians to end their fascist rule and relinquish power of the library back to the school, under the threat of economic sanctions from the U.S. Government.

Disclaimer: This article is fictional, and to the best of our knowledge, no one has ever been killed or even severely maimed in the library.

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