Issue 13

"Hello, I'm
Famous. Would
You Like To
Sleep With Me?"
Socks Sucks,
I'm Too Sexy For
This Paper
Derek Falky:
Returning To
His Roots
Holmes Of The
And Now...
Deep Thoughts

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Issue 13

Back To The
Socks Sucks, Too

By The Regulator
Allegations arose Tuesday of yet another sex scandal involving the president. This time it is Socks, official White House Cat, that joins the ranks of such individuals as Paula, Monica, and Kathleen. Socks claims that the President, on a number of occasions, asked of him sexual favors including oral sex. In addition, he claims that Clinton touched him in an inappropriate manner, coerced him into other unmentionable and illicit sexual activities, and even "Meow Rrrreow meOWW!" Buddy, official White House Dog, backed up Socks' story with a statement that he had seen the President go off in private with Socks under his arm on a number of occasions, and that when Socks came back and Buddy sniffed his butt as usual, something didn't smell quite right. Socks' team of lawyers is planning to sue Clinton for some 20,000 pounds of catnip.

Clinton will now not only have to defend himself against allegations of sexual misconduct of a human nature, but against the practices of sodomy and bestiality as well. This should be something of a break for the president however, given society's high tolerance for such activities. The youth, especially, of today see the practices of sodomy and bestiality as commonplace occurrences. Such skilled and untrendy artists of the day, such as Snoop Doggy Dogg and Marilyn Manson, actively endorse them. Children have been growing up with fairytale classics like "Beauty and the Beast" for years. More recently, many youths have been subjected to racy and obscene material in that low-class Underground newspaper.

Clinton is indeed not having a hard time defending against these claims of "buggery." In fact, at a preliminary court meeting, Clinton dumbfounded Socks' lawyers by pointing out that "[Conspiracy Theorist] M. F. Luder practices sodomy and bestiality on a regular basis, yet we all hail him as a veritable god of the Underground pantheon."

The prosecution is currently regrouping and trying to find a way around this new obstacle. Mrs. Clinton was not available for comment, as the wench refused to speak with The Regulator on the grounds of his "extreme sexism."

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