I'm Too Sexy For This Paper
By M. F. Luder
Let's talk about sex, baby; let's talk about you and me. As we all know, or at least conjecture, sex is grrreeaat! Well, after many long discussions between Newman and I on sex and a lack thereof, I decided that something should be done. After some Taco Bell, I did some deep "thinking" in the Secret Toilet Room and it became apparent to me that I would need to answer the months-old question posed by that adorable band, Hanson: "Where's the love?"
I decided that I could use some "inspiration" on a way to share the love, so I paid Betsy a visit and ganked some of her crank. Two hours later, I was on my way to Sentry to buy some more Kleenex when I realized how I would share the love; I'd give it away with my own phone sex line.
A quick call to Ameritech got me a 900 number, 1-900-MIX-A-LOT, for my new phone service, and after a few well placed ads in The Onion, on the Internet and in the newsroom, the calls started comin' in. Unfortunately, many of the callers became irate when they found out who was on the other end of the line. Apparently, I was not what they had in mind when they envisioned a "Hot, Horny High School Senior." I am appalled at their revulsion; I am hot, at least in July and August; I am horny, just ask the local wildlife, and easiest enough, I am a senior in high school.
Soon, the entire Underground staff will be manning the lines 24-7. You'll be able to "have" the Undergrounder of your choice. If you have any reservations left, just listen to what Will "The Fresh Prince" Smith said when asked about the Underground's phone service: "When you get home, dial it up/And I'll be your man, and you can be my lady/And we can go right upstairs and get busy, baby."
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