Issue 15

Seven:  An
Brian Eisold
School Is Boring
Black (Stretch
Pant) Death
The Underground
Pumps Up The
I Have A New
Drum Machine

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Issue 15

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Seven:  An Underground Survey

By Newman
It has been known for quite some time now that the students of Wauwatosa East High School are evil. Just how evil they are though, had never been conclusively determined. Well, The Underground, being the bastion of investigative journalism that we are, decided to find out. So last week, we polled 58 students, from freshmen to seniors, as to which of the seven deadly sins they committed over the weekend, as well as what their favorite of the seven was.

Sins Committed Over The Weekend
The seven deadly sins, lust, pride, greed, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth, have, for centuries, been the standard gauge for evil, and were also the basis for a pretty good movie starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. Everyone who responded to the survey admitted to committing at least one of the seven, except seniors Mychale Schertz and Noah Huber, who claim to be perfect, thus revealing their pride. Also, a few wankers, when the Underground survey was passed around to them, refused to fill it out and simply spent five minutes reading other people's replies, showing the sloth of these students. Of those who did answer the survey, the #1 sin committed over the weekend was lust, with an impressive 55 percent admitting to being horny little bastards. In second, with 43%, was sloth, and taking the bronze was pride with 34%.

Favorite Sin
When it came to students' favorite sins, lust once again took the title, with about one-third of them naming it as their #1 sin. Quote-machine Andy Capes said he "did sloth the most," but lust was his favorite, as he enjoys "looking at a picture of Libby Lewis in 8th grade and dreaming about her." Senior Katie Karabon also enjoys lust the most, saying, "There are no limits to the power of lust." Yeow.

Coming in second, with 21 percent of the votes for Favorite Sin, was sloth. Suzanne Grafwallner pretty much summed it up when she stated that, "as a Tosa East student, it's in my nature to be lazy." "Alternative newspaper editor" Dan Coates also said that his favorite was "sloth, when I get around to it."

So what have we learned today? That Tosa East students are a bunch of lazy, sex-obsessed ego-maniacs? Yeah, that sounds just about right. And if you think that you're sin-free, think again buster; just by reading this paper you've probably committed two or three of them already.

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