World Wrestling Federation Terrorized By Newcomer
By Sleeping Disorder
Across the country, fans of professional wrestling are abuzz about the World Wrestling Federation's most dangerously maniacal wrestler to date. Who is this uncontrollable man-beast? Answer: the 11 month old infant known as "The Titanium Toddler." Ever since his debut on television's Monday Night Raw, in which The Titanium Toddler forced a 300 pound man into submission by using the his ear as a teething ring, The Toddler has been known for his blatant and ruthless brutality. The Toddler, or "Triple T" as he's sometimes referred to, seems to blaze a trail of pain and destruction with every match.
"He may look like an adorable, smiling baby, but underneath that makeup lies the mind of a demented psychopath," commented the President of the WWF, Vince McMahon. "He just can't be stopped."
Assisting in The Toddler's carnage, is his manager, 41 year old Linda "Soccer Mom" Bakimpski. Last week during a crucial match against wrestler Ken Shamrock, Soccer Mom distracted the referee with a plate of freshly baked cookies and a program schedule for the Lifetime channel while the tiny titan bashed Shamrock's cranium repeatedly with various wooden alphabet blocks. Despite the screaming fans instructing the ref to look behind him, the referee turned around in time only to see an unconscious Shamrock in a pinning hold. Shamrock's bloody body was carried from the ring via stretcher and he could not be reached for comment. The attending referee, Jim Strong, told Underground reporters, "That baby has no regard for human life, whatsoever."
|The Titanium Toddler prepares to wreak havoc on yet another unsuspecting victim.|
Even with his bag of dirty tricks, The Titanium Toddler's most devastating piece of arsenal is, without question, his signature hold: the Pacifier. The dreaded Pacifier is executed in the following manner. After pummeling his opponent into a state of unconsciousness, "The Titanium One" lays him out in the center of the ring. The Toddler then climbs one of the corner turnbuckles, and when he has reached the top, flings his 11 month infant old body through the air, landing his entire 17 pounds, 4 ounces on his opponent's torso. This, of course, leaves the opponent in a condition of near death.
The wild, furniture throwing tantrums of The Titanium Toddler make it difficult for anyone to talk to him, but Underground reporters were able to obtain a few statements from this 1'5" monster before he went to a match with wrestler, Bret "The Hitman" Hart.
The Toddler was quoted as saying, "RAAA! HITMAN! SUNDAY NIGHT AT THE BRADLEY CENTER IN MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN, YOU WILL KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD PAIN! I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB AND CRUSH YOUR FEEBLE BODY WITH THE PACIFIER! YOU WILL EXIT THE STADIUM IN A BODY BAG! RAAA!"
Promptly following these statements, The Titanium Toddler soiled his diapers and proceeded to spill milk all over his uniform. Truly, no professional wrestler is safe.
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