disconnect

Now that things have calmed down in the political scene and we wait and watch while Republican majorities cackle sinisterly, drink goat's blood and plot evil deeds (isn't that what they do?), it gives me time for reflection and a little idle chit-chat. So I was wondering, how many old junkies of the site formerly known as "The Internet Presence Of A Skinny, Poofy-Haired Midwestern White Guy With Glasses" (that would be my old homepage) are still around these parts? I know there are some, but they're probably too embarrassed to admit it, as they should be. I ask because I ran across a text file on my hard drive today that's over four years old containing a top ten list of essays I wrote on the site. They actually weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. I know it's not as entertaining as talking about how much John Kerry's haircuts cost, but in these dark times we need to derive pleasure from what we can. So for those old-school disconnect.net readers out there, or just to bide the rest of you over until Kerry releases his next web video that looks like an Al Qaeda tape when MSNBC airs clips of it, here's an excerpt from some crap I wrote in a post regarding stories I had to write for a Creative Writing class.

In the beginning of our first class today, we were each given an almond and told we had ten minutes to write something about the almond or something the almond reminded us of. Then at the end of class, we had to pick our favorite line from that (shown in red on this page) and write a second story in ten minutes based on that line. For next week, we have to write a poem based on our favorite line from the second story (also in red).

So as you're critiquing these stories, keep in mind that they were written in ten minutes and were completely impromptu. And I'm typing them up just as they appear on the page; no corrections have been made.

Story 1:
The Minneapolis Almonds faced a third down and five on their opponents' ten yard line. The quarterback addressed the huddle with eight seconds left, down by four points, and was met with ten looks of despair. "It's hopeless," said the wide receiver, "we'll never score."

At this, the quarterback frowned and said, "Hey, don't give up hope yet! Just think of the mighty almond, brown and oval and crunchy. It wouldn't give up! Even when it's processed and put in an M&M, it fights to the very end, giving the body precious nutrients and energy."

"Yeah!" said the offensive lineman, "Let's show these guys the kind of nuts we're made of!" and broke the huddle for the game-deciding play.

The quarterback was sacked on the next play and Minneapolis lost the game, but those who were on the field that day never forgot the courage they felt when they reached deep down inside, and harnessed the power of the almond within.

Story 2:
"Even when it's processed and put in an M&M, it fights to the very end, giving the body precious nutrients and energy."

Tom Walsh continued his pre-programmed speech to the tourists with a sigh. He had worked at the M&M factory for 16 years now since getting his master's degree in candy engineering at MIT and he hated every minute of it. He hated the almonds, he hated the chocolate, and he hated the way the thin candy shells melted in your mouth and not in your hand.

Suddenly, a tourist broke from the crowd and jumped into a vat of melted chocolate, on a dare from his friends. He was laughing and eating mouthfuls of chocolate at first, but his laughs quickly turned to cries of horror, as he became trapped in the chocolate, like quicksand.

Tom had seen this all before and he'd be damned if he lost another visitor to chocolate vat #313. He took off his sport coat and dove into the chocolate. He pulled the tourist from the chocolate to safety, but felt himself becoming trapped in the gooey mess. The tourist was safely back on solid ground, but Tom Walsh was drowning in cocoa. "Damn you M&M/Mars!" he shouted, before his remaining words were an incomprehensible gurgle of liquid chocolate. His last thought before he lost consciousness was how he hated almonds.

Remember that post I made a while back after the election predicting a 10% chance of the "collapse of civilization as we know it", with various other percentage levels of doom? That might be a bit harsh, but at least now I'm not alone - it turns out more intelligent minds than my own (e.g.: the chief economist at Morgan Stanley) are predicting much the same sort of economic "armageddon". Let's just hope Bruce Willis isn't involved.

(p.s.: Now that I've mentioned Bruce Willis, I can't resist posting a link Robyn sent me of pictures of Ashton Kutcher driving around Demi Moore and Bruce Willis's kids Rumor and Scout (yes, those are their names) in this pickup truck designed to look like (and burn gas like) the front of a semi truck. I'm not sure if a single image exists that encompasses everything that's wrong with America, but these try.)